i got a C for English, so do not expect me
to speak like some posh five-star restaurant manager.
starting now, i will type whatever pops into my mind.
dont bother reading,
this is the worst and most boring entry of mine you'll ever come aross.

and i have a feeling this isnt the last (boring entry) .
i think i seriously have issues.
brat.

*

i am mentally, physically, emotionally drained.

oh, the fatigue of eleven hours of nonstop multi-tasking,
fifty pumpings, and lugging a trumpet all the way home,
ready for a warm bath and a satisfying nap,
but only to find that the 'big boys' from Adroit
have once again invaded my brother's room
and transformed it into a jamming centre.
=/

there is something bothering me

but i cant seem to figure out what, exactly.
could it be, i am not zany anymore?
i cant deny that lately i've been keeping things to myself
and i dont laugh and joke and fool around as much as i used to.

i've become less straightorward and much less extroverted.
i dont like talking anymore.
i dont like showing my feelings to people, not even to my friends,
because everytime i do,
it either comes out and gets crushed
or it comes out in the form of an outburst.

everytime i do reveal my feelings, the consequence is not good.
i dont even blog about my inner feelings.
i cant seem to find the right words.
i doubt i even have inner feelings.
(gah, i really am a loser)
=/

i wonder if all this while i've been faking everything.
hah, define 'everything'.

lately, ive been emotionless.
i wonder if it's normal;
to have my mind fully preoccupied by
images of fireworks above a majestic castle,
and in the background; a pretty moonlit sky,
scattered with shining, glistening stars.

when these images fully conquer my mind,
i tend to forget everything around me,
every single soul, the weather, and
every detail of the surroundings.

and then i find myself in a daze,
with the lyrics of A Whole New World
toying in my mind; dancing and singing,
trying to capture my attention.
it always succeeds.

flying carpets, fairy godmothers,
pixie dust, shooting stars,
it feels so right,
to let my mind and my heart wander in the streets of Disneyland, Lantau Island,
and getting lost but enjoying every single second of it
but on the other hand, im here, in Singapore,
and theres nothing i can do about it.

trapped in a box, yet again.
whoopee *rolls eyes*

sigh, life is not kind.
its okay, because im not kind either.

so i'll get used to it.

lately im sick of the putrid mouths of those around me.
their words; they prick me like thorns and this is demoralising
because i used to think of myself as a strong person.
ive stopped making fun of and talking about people
long before anyone noticed and
it frustrates me that people at my age are still doing it!

it frustrates me even more when i, Zany, know that what they say isnt right,
and i still have the frigging nerve to play along!
i laugh along, i joke around,
which makes me as much a fool as every single one of them.

i am pretty much screwed
]=


i cant tell you how much i detest this side of me.
i dont like it when i proceed to do something when i know it's wrong.
in case you didnt know, ive stopped telling lies! hurray!
its part of a new years' resolution thing
but honestly i dont believe in new years' resolutions.

okay i have no idea why i'm talking about resolutions.
what a dumb topic,
considering these so-called resolutions
are normally tossed aside even before the end of january.
pffffffft.

alright what am i thinking of?
i used to think i think too much but now, not anymore.

i once said,
"people come and go, come and go and come and go
and some dont even bother to say goodbye."

i guess this is one of the things that worries me now.
i just cant seem to click with anyone these days.
i dont feel like i belong anywhere.
well, yeah, ive even drifted apart from the only soul
who understood me the most,
especially when no one else didnt.
i dont even know her anymore.

and most of the time, when i have company,
all i want to do is be alone.


it's okay if i turn out to be a loser in any way.
at least i am happy, i am satisfied, i am contented.

sigh, who am i kidding?

if i could stop the time from ticking by, i would.
i would sort out my thoughts and
arrange them neatly in little boxes with labels

and all those fine stationery.

if i could make time rewind, i swear i would.
rewind it to the 28th of November and i swear,
i'll be the happiest girl who ever lived.


and so now i shall sing,
accompanied by my guitar and my fluorescent orange pick.
my best friends
*smiles sweetly*



no one to tell us no, or where to go,
or say we're only dreaming




ps. good luck to Zul and Jacob and Zany

for tomorrow night's acoustic set.
ha ha ha.