Here we are, in the best years of our lives,
With no way of knowing when the wheel'll stop spinning,
Cause we don't know where we're going
And here we are, on the best day of our lives
And it's a go, lets make it last,
So cheers you all to that,
Cause this moment's never coming back






this is the third time i'm rewriting this whole entry,
because i find that nothing i say sounds right.
i dont like to sound deep and philosophical,
so i hope my usual eccentricity is still present somewhere.


to start off,
this has been the best one-week holiday i've ever experienced in my life.
ive felt countless emotions lately that i dont know which to tend to.


i felt a sense of genuine unity among the band members;
something i've never felt before in my 3 and 1/6 years of being a jvcbian,
besides the Ampio Musica days of course,
which was unfortunately shortlived.


i felt this longing to be somewhere else besides wherever im at.
most of the time what i really longed for was
to be on a stage, behind a microphone, singing my lungs out.
i dont have time to do that, really.
i dont know how this contributes to the past week
being the best one-week holiday but yeah,
i am eccentric, im supposed to be wired that way: helplessly weird.
=/


and wow i sat beneath the milky twilight
with someone i really treasure and thats something.
its not something i can do every day
plus it was my last ever camp
in my so-called alma mater so im quite pleased.
and really, that friend means more to me than anything.


ah yes and i actually voluntarily completed most of my homework
and i'd like to choke on six huge fishballs
because i cant understand a simple thing like Cell Division.
calling me a loser would be far too kind.
calling me stupid would, in fact,
make you the most polite person ive ever met.


plus i got in touch with Madi again.
it's been lightyears since i actually talked to her,
hugged her, squealed with her, shook her hand or something.
hahahaha
i feel relieved.
theres this familiar feeling about Madi.
well, it's understood.
i've known her all my life.


and i felt the feeling of wanting so much to escape from somebody i cant
because too many things have happened between the both of us
and it know its unfair for me to disappear like that
but all i really want to do is forget about this and whatnot
because i really dont have time for this.


no, i DO have time, but its my decision what i want to do with it.
i dont want to be hankering after something and then not want it to escalate.
i dont want to be concentrating too much on things that would, in many ways,
affect the close rapport i've established with my family and friends.
i dont want to do foolish things anymore.
i dont owe anyone anything.
good things come to those who wait.
ironically,
i dont expect good things and i am not waiting.
i want to live my life as it is.


my tutor says i need to have a higher self-esteem
because she (being a literature student and all *rolls eyes* haha)
noticed my self-depreciation, something no one else has noticed,
because people have this inclination to believe that i am arrogant.
and period, no one bothers to actually KNOW me.


if looks can deceive, what makes you think words of people cant?
what you hear may be true but it's not fair to me

if people simply jump to conclusions without knowing the truth.
but that is the way of people, isn't it?
i mean, i cant deny i behave that way too, at times.
in any case, i've stopped caring.


i dont know how to improve myself on this annoying low self-esteem thing
because no matter how confident i feel
theres always one thing bringing me down,
quite efficiently, i might add.
and that one thing varies.
it could be a friend, or a past event or something.


and my tutor also made me realize that
im actually very blessed to have a family that is always there/here.
they may not be the most supportive lot
but they've always been there for me and that counts alot.

especially my brother. i love him alot. (=


and i have friends that mean the world to me.
there are some whom i cannot consider as my friends anymore
but i doubt this would affect them,
because i was never treasured in the first place.


i have beyond awesome friends
like Ahdila and Mifdhal and Audrey and Hafiz
and Dexter and Jasmine and so many more its almost impossible for me to list.
oh yes, i have a home and im not doing terribly in school.
my results are average and hopefully as long as i keep working hard, i'll get better.


so yeah, "the grass is greener on the other side" ?
unquestionably bullshit. (=
im pleased with my life and i dont ask for much.
(my birthday's coming so that last sentence may have to be altered)


ah, and being under Mr Chia taught me countless of things.
one of them wasnt directly taught by him
but he did mention his attitude towards certain things.


like, if you're not going to give it your all, why give anything at all?
it makes perfect sense.
why bother to put in even 10% of your effort
when in the end youre not going to strive for the best?
why bother at all?


he also mentioned that everything we do is voluntary and is our decision.
even getting angry.
he used this example:
if i were to punch you and call you names,
and you were to get angry, its not my fault.
i can punch you and call you names,
and you can choose not to be angry.
you can choose not to retaliate.


and hence whenever we ask him
how a certain part of the music should be played,
or whether we should follow the conductor
or pretend she never existed,
he would say that we are the ones in control.
i mean, he can tell us what to do
and in the end we can choose not to obey him, right?
precisely.


well i may continue ranting afterwards but for now i think i need a bath.
school's reopening tomorrow and
there'll be meet-the-parents sometime this week.
im dreading it, really.

i mean, hello, who looks forwards to meet-the-parents?!


there's this particular comment
that has been haunting me since forever,
"Syazwani looks very dreamy in class".
comes up all the time.
they never get bored of the dreamy thing

and my parents never get tired of scolding me

for being born with a dreamy face.

sad, eh?


sorry to have bored you with this entry.
but then again, you could've chosen not to read it.
(=


nighty night, lovely!