Three little birds sat on my window
And they told me I don't need to worry




soooo, term three has barely started
and im feeling drained already.
it'll take a miracle to survive nightclasses
plus going home at six every day, starting next week.
oh yes, to top it off, mock exams every Tuesday. yeah. great.

today started with a change of English teacher.
i am crestfallen.
with Miss Suhailys gone,
who's going to dote on me?!?!
)=
SIGHHHHH, fresh new start.

if the change of English teacher isnt bad enough,
my biology teacher you-know-who actually rubbed his armpit with my pen.
i wanted to disinfect it but i couldnt bare to,

its my favourite pen!!!
and i have this secret habit of tapping the top of the pen
on my teeth when im deep in thoughts.
i cant do that anymore, it seems. )=

after school we had this Malay oral training thingy.
i think theyre supposed to boost our confidence or give us tips or something.
mom got really pissed when i gave her the consent form to sign,
she totally hates my school now, yay!
she said theyre always taking things seriously

only at the last minute,
which is so true.
i mean, O's orals is next week

and only today we're being given training.
hahaha go and die ah.

so yeah the programme was split into two.
the first half was awesome, i died laughing quite a few times.
i dont know why im still living and breathing now
but really, i died laughing!
i know Sue died too cause she her shoulders kept vibrating
even after everyone has stopped laughing at the trainer's jokes!
hahahahaha

anyway the trainer was talking about how girls
will always speak softly and quietly and
behave like malu-malu monster when theyre with their boyfriends.
and i totally denied even though i dont own a boyfriend or anything!!!
i mean, relationships are way cuter
when a couple jokes around and makes fun of each other, right?
you dont have to always be manja and flirtatious whaaaaat.
that sucks the fun out of everything!

the second half of the programme was pretty awesome too
even though something filled me with consternation
and pretty much made me lose my mood for the rest of the day.

so yeah the trainer for the second half is
some actor who's been in business for like 27 years.
frankly i'd never seen him before
but i dont actually watch Suria channel so yeah.
i dont even watch TV. -___-

anyway. he called on some people to like,
stand and introduce themselves,
tell their age, and their ambition.
i was hoping he would call me so i'd get it over and done with but he didnt.
during the last half-hour we played this game or something
where one person is called out to be 'interviewed'.
its all make-believe and they had to pretend theyre 'on air' and all that.

so the trainer came up with some random and nonsensical topic
and Mud was chosen to go first.
Mud's topic was something about playing the tabla (?)
yeah tabla or something
and it later became tampang?!
i dont know, really, i was laughing the whole time.
hey, its Mud right?
he was amazing at it, really.
hes just so spontaneous and smooth, its almost breathtaking.

and for some harebrained reason
he just HAD to pick me to go next.
i couldnt decline.
and if you know me you'd probably know how atrocious i am
at think-on-your-feet activites.
so we had to pretend we were on air and the trainer asked me,
"how does it feel to be voted a bitch and even winning Paris Hilton?"

its not just the question that stunned me,
i mean, ive been called bitch in reality quite a few times.
and i fully understand that he was just playing around.
but get this, the whole conversation was in Malay.
how was i supposed to be spontaneous in Malay?
and furthermore, SPEAK!

so yeah i totally blanked out. i swear i couldnt think.
not even a word. it was embarrassing, really.

but that isnt even the worst part.
when i just couldnt talk he changed the question to,
"whats the difference between blur king and blur sotong,
... and blur block, since you are one?"
in Malay, of course.

and i was like knnccb how the hell was i supposed to verbalize?!
at that point i hated myself, really.
and then he said i could speak in English if i wanted to.
and suddenly my thoughts were like TING TING *lighbulb comes on*
and then i realized that
even in English i couldnt think of a difference
between blur king and blur sotong.
... and blur block.

he did mention that i was a blur block,

so wouldnt it make perfect sense for me to be blur? -__-

i couldnt even make up a nonsensical statement
and thats pretty much how pathetic i am
when it comes to on-the-spot speaking.
i mean, im not really a funny person in the first place.
eventually he gave up on me because i simply couldnt speak.
so yeah i got off the chair and sat on the floor
and before i knew it he started accusing me of having no self-esteem.

and my lips were quivering,
no one had ever commented that on me before.
i mean, no self-esteem?
whats that supposed to mean?
if i didnt have self-esteem then
i dont think i'd have the guts
to express my thoughts through blogging, right?
i wont have the guts to sing publicly, right?
what in the sam hill does uncertainty in speaking
have to do with self-esteem altogether?

his words were like a shot to the heart, really.
and the whole room was like, frigging silent
while he talked about how having no self-esteem is a total disadvantage.
i was like, huh really is he serious,
because earlier on he said to Shaffiqa
she's got low self-confidence, which is kind of dumb,
because for goodness sake, it's Shaffiqa.

and just because im slow and hopeless

when i think on my feet, in any language,
it doesnt mean im someone with no self-esteem, kay.
i was solemn during the whole ride home
because i couldnt stop pondering.
i mean, i dont know.

aaaaaah. frust siaaaaaak

thank goodness there was Yusri to make me certain
that im really not suffering from some

no-self-esteem disease thing.
seriously.


anyway just the other day i was walking and walking,
quite confidently, i might add,
and then i started to wonder why peoples' eyes
kept following me wherever i walked.
at first i brushed the thought off because, i know,
who'd want to look at me? what's there to look at right? hahahaha

so i kept walking and walking and when i reached home
i realized that the whole of the back of skirt was bloodstained.
i was like, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!"
no, actually, i just went, "fuck!" then i forgot all about it.
HAHAHAHAHA
it was perfectly revolting, really.
my skirt looked like some tiedye design with green and red
HAHAHAHA OK WTF
i cant believe i can make a joke out of this hahahaha


so yeah im actually pretty loaded with homework
so im wondering why im blogging.
but i like blogging so to hell with homework.
(okay okay i'll do it later, i promise)

Threadless really needs to send the refund like NOW.
you know what?!
the tees i ordered got lost in transit or whatever their lameshit reason was.
oh em gee and to think i waited and waited for five weeks or so.
and now ive got to wait about another month for the refund itself.
idiot.
aaandd im depending on Hottopic and Chaoscircus now, for tees.
hahahaha


oooookay till here then.
the girl who lacks self-esteem is off to do her homework.
-____-
*menghela nafas yang super panjang*


g'night!